I've been trying for 3 weeks and 3 days to find the right words to write...but there are none and there never will be. Brylee died on the night of Monday May 19 at 8:47PM, 2 days before her birthday. I miss her so much that my entire body aches. She slowly deteriorated over the past month, every day she would wake up with something else gone. It was horrible watching her slowly die. I woke up at 3AM on the morning of May 19 with her non responsive and breathing really hard. She held on for 17 and a half hours like that and I held her for every minute. Every day I walk through a fog and put a face on for the world. Even though I have 2 other children I feel like the house is so empty without her. I hurt for her so much that my entire body aches. How do you live without living? I've forgotten what normal is. I don't remember what I use to do before cancer struck. I don't remember who my friends were or what I enjoyed. I don't ever want to forget her but yet I'll find myself not thinking about her and I cry from overwhelming guilt. As every new day passes I find it harder and harder to remember the details of her. The exact color of her eyes, the way her hair curled, the sound of her giggle. I hate that I have to look at pictures or watch videos to remember. I hate watching Bryker sob everyday that he misses his Brylee. He listens to her song every day over and over. I feel so lost. I don't know how to help him. Brylee was my world and I will forever miss her.
Today I went and saw The Fault in Our Stars with some amazing friends. I sobbed the entire movie and had flash backs from Brylee's treatment. But I walked away with some new knowledge. Brylee does not need to be remembered by the entire world nor does she need to be loved widely. I love her deeply and will forever remember her, even if it's by pictures. She left a legacy on my heart and that is good enough. I miss my baby more that words can explain.
Brylee Olson was diagnosed with a DIPG, an inoperable brain tumor (infiltrating brain stem glioma) on Wednesday, March 6, 2013. This is a blog for her and her fight to be in the 5% who survive 3-4 years. Or the rare chance of complete survival.