It’s been 9 years

Today marks 9 years since Brylee passed. So much has happened and changed. Cory and I got divorced 3 years ago. He is remarried and I'm engaged. Bryker will ne starting high school in the fall. He is taller than me and has a mustache!! Byrklee will be starting middle school and she is almost as tall as me. She has turned into an absolutley gorgeous pre-teen girl! She asked me to teach her how to use make-up! Can you believe that? Yikes! Byrlin is almost 8 years old. She is a spunky firecracker just like Bree. Byrlin and Brylee would have been best friends. Absolutely best friends. Byrlin and Byrklee are so different they fight constantly. But I see so much of Brylee in Byrlin. She absolutely adores dance just like Bree did. She's confident and outspoken...just like her big sister.I finally achieved my goal of being a police officer. If it had not been for Brylee teaching me to reach for the stars i would have never accomplished my goal. I think about Brylee everday. I cannot believe it has been 9 years since I last held her. Sunday she should be turning 13 and entering her last year of middle school. But I am happy. My other children have grown into beautiful young adults. My fiance, Jason Wenger, is the most amazing man I have ever met! Jason's 2 children are incredible and I'm so blessed to have them in my life. Next year marks 10 years and I will write another update. Just remember you can do hard things. Brylee was the definition of that quote...she did hard things and she came out on top. She is my superhero! I love you all and thank you so much for your support during the worst trial of my life.

It has been awhile

It's been a long time since I've written. And honestly in the past three years a lot has changed in our little household. Bryker is now 8 years old and is at the end of second grade. He still misses his Brylee like crazy and still has the occasional melt down over her. But those melt downs are few and far between. Byrklee is now 5 years old and has surpassed Brylee in age. She will be starting kindergarten this upcoming fall. She doesn't have very many memories of Brylee but we share pictures and memories with her as often as possible. We had another baby and her name is Byrlin. We are teaching her about Brylee everyday. I hope one day she loves her as much as the rest of us. I think about Brylee everyday. She's everywhere. There's not a decision or action I make without her in my thoughts. I wear her bracelet everyday single day. She's on my phone case, my bathroom mirror, my car window, my jewelry box. Her picture graces every wall in my house. Visitors probably feel like they're walking into a shrine when they enter my house. I miss my sweet little girl so much. I get told almost daily that I'm the strongest person or the best mother and honestly I'm not. I'm almost numb from it all. I wake up everyday and try to fathom if it was all a dream or if she really existed. I try to invision what she would look like today and how would her little voice sound. Would she be a dancer or a soccer player? Would she still love pop tarts? How long would her hair be? Would it still be curly? Please...please don't ever think you are hurting me by bringing Brylee up in conversation. I LOVE talking about her as often as I can. It's healing to know that she is remembered. Pleae talk about her. Please remember her. Pleas ask about her. Please ask me how I'm doing. Please visit her at the cemetery. Please don't forget her.

She's gone

I've been trying for 3 weeks and 3 days to find the right words to write...but there are none and there never will be. Brylee died on the night of Monday May 19 at 8:47PM, 2 days before her birthday. I miss her so much that my entire body aches. She slowly deteriorated over the past month, every day she would wake up with something else gone. It was horrible watching her slowly die. I woke up at 3AM on the morning of May 19 with her non responsive and breathing really hard. She held on for 17 and a half hours like that and I held her for every minute. Every day I walk through a fog and put a face on for the world. Even though I have 2 other children I feel like the house is so empty without her. I hurt for her so much that my entire body aches. How do you live without living? I've forgotten what normal is. I don't remember what I use to do before cancer struck. I don't remember who my friends were or what I enjoyed. I don't ever want to forget her but yet I'll find myself not thinking about her and I cry from overwhelming guilt. As every new day passes I find it harder and harder to remember the details of her. The exact color of her eyes, the way her hair curled, the sound of her giggle. I hate that I have to look at pictures or watch videos to remember. I hate watching Bryker sob everyday that he misses his Brylee. He listens to her song every day over and over. I feel so lost. I don't know how to help him. Brylee was my world and I will forever miss her. Today I went and saw The Fault in Our Stars with some amazing friends. I sobbed the entire movie and had flash backs from Brylee's treatment. But I walked away with some new knowledge. Brylee does not need to be remembered by the entire world nor does she need to be loved widely. I love her deeply and will forever remember her, even if it's by pictures. She left a legacy on my heart and that is good enough. I miss my baby more that words can explain.

Time to let go

These past few months have been pretty boring. But this past week has been extremely emotional and trying. It started with Brylee's friend Mariah passed away on Monday April 7. Mariah had the same tumor as Brylee. They've become really close friends as we've done play dates. I remember in January having a feeling and telling Cory that Mariah would go first, than Brylee, and than their other little friend Rae. The next day on Tuesday I noticed that Brylee started dragging her left foot when she walked. It was then that I realized that her tumor most likely had grown. I started packing and doing laundry preparing to spend the weekend up north so we could go to Mariah's services. Friday morning at 2am Brylee woke up with croup. I took her into our local ER and they gave her a breathing treatment. This seemed to fix her and she was fine all afternoon on Friday. We finished packing for our weekend and loaded up the car. We stopped at the store to pick up one of Brylee's medications. When Cory got back in the car he noticed a lady bug on the window. He rolled down the window and brought it into the car. Brylee and I played with it and than let it fly away. Looking back on it a few days later I am convinced that it was Mariah telling Brylee to come home. Mariah, Brylee and Rae (another little girl that is Brylee's friend with the same tumor) all love lady bugs. Immediately after letting the lady bug go Brylee fell asleep. About an hour and a half later, when we reached Sandy, Brylee woke up screaming that her head hurt. We decided to take her to the instacare and get her assessed. When I pulled her out of her car seat she was limp bad her lips were white. When the nurse finally called us back we discovered Brylee had a fever of 103.5 and was struggling to breath. The nurse ran to get the doctor. When they hooked her up to the oxometer to see what her oxygen levels were she wasn't above a 60. Normal people are 95-100. The doctor looked at me and said she needs to be on oxygen and transported to the ER. She told me she was going to call the ambulance. I argued with her saying my husband was in the parking lot and we could just drive her up to primary children's. The doctor looked at me and asked if I had missed the part where Brylee needed to be on oxygen. I agreed to have the ambulance called. By the time the ambulance arrived Brylee was in respiratory failure. They flew up foothill drive going 80 miles per hour with Brylee on 15 liters of oxygen and still not above a 70. When we got to the ER they did every emergency respiratory proceeded till they finally had to intubate her and put her on a ventilator. To accomplish this they had to paralyze and sedate her. I was composed until one of the ER nurses rubbed my shoulder and asked me how I was doing. The waterfall of tears that followed did not stop. When they finally had Brylee breathing again (by machine) they did a chest X-ray and found possible pneumonia. They also did a CBC and ANC and found that Brylee was neutropenic (no immune system). Later that night we were transferred from the ER to the PICU where they continuously kept her sedated. Saturday morning we missed all of Mariah's funeral services. I cried all morning long. Later that afternoon they ran some tests on Brylee to see if she had a virus or other infection. They found a UTI that they think had been untreated for several weeks. The UTI plus pneumonia plus the neutropenia caused her body to go into septic shock resulting in respiratory failure. They immediately started her on antibiotics. On Sunday she had an allergic reaction to one of the antibiotics. On Monday they did an MRI to see what her tumor was doing. That night they told me there was tumor progression. Tuesday was when we found out what that meant. Her tumor has significantly grown much larger and is back to its original size when she was diagnosed 13 months ago. We talked with Dr. Bruggers about what our options were. Since we had already done every treatment possible over the 13 months there is nothing else they can do. Cory and I had to make the hardest decision in our lives. We decided that it would be best to put Brylee on hospice and to let her go. Later Tuesday afternoon they extubated Brylee and took her off the ventilator. Later that night that released us from PICU and sent us upstairs to the cancer wing. On Wednesday she was having signs of possible brain swelling so the doctors ordered a CT Scan. The CT Scan was clear. Thursday morning the jazz bear came to visit her. It was the first smile I've seen since Friday. They played catch and played for a bit. Later Thursday night we had the most amazing experience. Elder Zwick, from the quorum of the 70, stopped by to visit. He gave Brylee a blessing saying that she will go peacefully and without pain. And that her last days here will be comfortable. He said that she will have great influences in our lives. He also said that she will be resurrected with a perfect body. After the blessing I felt great comfort. I have this overwhelming feeling that she only has days with us. Not weeks or months but days. I know that it is her time to go and I know she will be much better off in gods presence. I'm not thrilled about being left behind but I know her time is up. I'm finally ready to let go.