Forgotten

I have a surreal feeling every time I think about Brylee's brain tumor.  It's almost like I dreamed the entire thing up.  Our days are basically back to normal, as normal as they can be.  The kids are running around, laughing and playing like nothing ever happened.  Cory and I have been going about our normal lives and chores around the house.  It's hard to believe that she is terminally ill at all.  I have to catch myself when I'm going out to do errands to make sure I remember not to invite her so she doesn't catch a bug.  I have to catch myself when I come home to make sure I put on hand sanitizer so I don't bring anything into the house.  I have to remind myself to take those extra minutes that she wants me to hold her instead of telling her in a minute while I pick up the dishes.  I forgot to do most of these things today.  I got so wrapped up in how well she is doing that I forgot she had that stupid brain tumor.  I invited her to go to Tae Bo with me this morning only to have the ten minute melt down when Cory reminded me that it was a bad idea.  I forgot to hand sanitize when I got back from the store.  Cory, once again and always my hero, had to remind me to wash up.  I got so frustrated with how big of a disaster my house is that for about an hour or so I kept telling her to leave me alone while I tried to clean.  When I found myself accomplishing nothing I finally remembered that this sweet little girl is on a short time frame.  I immediately sat on the kitchen floor and scooped her up.  She promptly snuggled into my shoulder and fell asleep for over an hour.  I made Cory go get take out so I didn't have to wake her up so I could make dinner.  While I was holding her I wondered how I got so wrapped up in my mundane activities that I forgot about this sweet little girl and spending every waking moment with her.  I looked outside at the flower bed I'm suppose to be building for her and got so frustrated.  How am I suppose to do a lifetime of stuff in 9 months or less?  How am I suppose to give this little girl everything she asks for with neither Cory or I working?  We are so blessed that everyone has been so generous with their help.  If it wasn't for this amazing community our house payment would be getting paid.  Our electricity, gas, car, and food wouldn't be getting paid for either.  But for some reason I'm finding it hard to spend any money on a flower bed because I look at it as a car payment or dinners for the next month.  How am I suppose to give her everything when I don't have it to give?  I think I get so caught up in my everyday activities because when I have down time like I did today while she slept on my shoulder I think about all these questions and I just cry.  I cry and cry and cry.  I love her so much and my heart just aches.