Come back

I've decided that I hate radiation.  The doctors said that it is suppose to help alleviate her symptoms.  I have yet to see my baby girl come back.  She still can't stand on her own.  She still is slurring her words.  She still can't smile.  She still can't swallow.  And she sleeps all the time and is constantly saying her head hurts.  The only time she does talk is when she's coming out of sedation after the radiation.  And this isn't even nice talking!  She's mean.  She scratches, bites, kicks, and spits.  She yells for us to all go away and leave her alone.  I don't know if I can do this for 6 horrible weeks!  I miss my cute, bubbly, talkative little girl.  I want the sweet giggles back.  And the hundred "Mama"s in a row followed by the ummmms after I ask what.  I miss the smile that lite up her eyes.  I miss how she would squeal when I chased her down the hall.  I miss the eskimo kisses followed by butterfly kisses at bedtime.  I miss the none stop chatter about her baby sister.  I miss her telling her brother that he needed to obey the rules.  I miss her so much and all I have right now is a ghost of what use to be.  I had the most horrible thought today while I was watching her sleep, I thought that she's always going to be a vegetable and she's never going to be my little girl again.  The doctors promised that she would come back and they better be right.  I do not want these next few weeks to be how I remember my princess.