Moments

Will the days get any easier? I feel like I'm constantly crying. Whether it's because of Brylee or something sweet someone said or wrote I feel like I'm always on the verge of tears. It started this morning when I read a very sweet letter from a friend of mine this morning on the way to radiation. Let me be the first one to say that water proof mascara does not work! I was a mess by the time we got to the Huntsman Cancer Center! But the tears did not stop. When we got home from radiation I took the opportunity to put Brylee in the tub since she was already unhooked from all her tubes and wires. I cleaned the tub before I put her in so she didn't get sick or anything. When I got her out there was so much hair in the tub it made my stomach lurch! The tears started flowing again. I took her upstairs all blurry eyed to brush her hair and get her dressed. Gobs and gobs of hair fell out! I started to cry again. I feel like I'm constantly walking a thin line and any small breeze pushes me over the edge. I'm so frustrated with it. I don't want to be weepy but I can't help it. I just love this girl so much and it kills me to see her have to go through this. She is such a miracle though. Every second she is here she teaches me more and more about the love of people on this world. I get so caught up in the awfulness of the world due to my profession that I forget to see the good. She is teaching me so much about faith, endurance, generosity, friendship, and most of all love. I have been so blessed to be this perfect little girl's mother. I feel so inadequate to be her mommy. I'm so prone to just go about my life and not look at the little things. I get lost in the motion of the day and forget to take part in it. I'm learning how to live for the moment. I'm not overlooking the small moments anymore. I'm so blessed to have this little girl in my life even if it is only for a small moment in time.