I'm so overwhelmed with guilt the past few days. As I learn more and more about the symptoms of this stupid brain tumor the more I realize how horrible of a mother I've been. I've been so impatient with my sweet little angel. I hated the fact that she refused to do the stairs I would constantly tell her to hurry up or no I'm not going to carry you up the stairs. And now I realize she had no depth perception due to the tumor. And the tumor makes her muscles weak so she literally could not do the stairs. I feel so bad about all the times we would be walking through the store and I would tell her to hurry up and that she needed to hold my hand tighter. I feel bad that while she was on the ground groaning because she most likely had a head ache I would just ignore her. Out of all my children she is the one that I have had the hardest time with when it comes to patience.
Looking back I realize how lucky and blessed I am to even know this sweet daughter of our Heavenly Father. He trusted me enough to give me one of his most cherished spirits. I will forever cherish the moments that she has climbed into my lap just to be near me, the moments that all she wanted to do was sleep next to me during the night because she was scared of the dark. I will also cherish the moments that she loves me enough to never want to part with me. I will always cherish the moments when I would take her to school or dance or nursery and she would cling to my leg and say "Don't leave me mama!" I will never understand how she has such the capacity to love me so unconditionally. And now the tables have turned. I'm the one now clinging to her and saying "Don't leave me."
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This was a really tender post, Lara. Try not to be so hard on yourself (easier said than done!). Look forward with that unconditional love you spoke about and cherish all the moments that you mentioned. Lots of love!
ReplyDeleteI'm soooo sorry you guys are having to suffer this horrible trial. Your Brylee knows you love her soooo much. You can't look back at the past. No matter what, even if you had unconditional patience, you would still find something to regret. We are only human and we all make mistakes. I am sure you are an amazing mother and that is who Brylee sees and knows and remembers. Stay strong! My love and prayers are with you and your family!
ReplyDeleteLara, you are wonderful mom! As mothers we do the best we can. Love you and Brylee and your family.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Tori, Lara, you are a wonderful mom and as mothers we can only do the best we can. You also have a beautiful soul who is the mother of a beautiful soul. I don't know why things happen but always remember we are praying for you and Brylee and all of the family. May God Bless you with his peace that passes all understanding. Hold Brylee and love her with everything you have. I have had you all on my mind and my thoughts and prayers and miracles as much as I can. From the bottom of my heart I give you as much strength that I can give. Love, Bridger's Grammy in Ohio is with you over the miles.
ReplyDeleteLara, I read your post and if I was in your shoes, I would have done similar things. Mothers comfort but we also teach. If my toddler was refusing to go up the stairs, my initial thought would be, "she can do this and I'm not going to enable her to be fearful or lazy". One of our roles is to train our children. Don't beat yourself up, you did not know what was going on in Brylee's body. You made decisions the best way you knew how, and I know that because that is what mommies do. I'm sure every one of us could tell you a moment that we regret with our little one. I know I could.
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